Iranian President performs felicitatio on Austrian counterpart, American press mum on subject

Yup, you probably didn't read this while perusing major news sites, but the Iranian News Organization is reporting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "felicitate[d] his Austrian counterpart to mark their National day."

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad cabled a message on Thursday to his Austrian counterpart Heinz Fischer to congratulate him, the Austrian government and nation on the country's Nation Day. [sic]

But, according to late developments in the story, the cross-continental felicitating didn't stop there:

In another development, Iran's First Vice President Parviz Davoudi sent a message to Austrian Chancellor Alfred Gusenbauer to congratulate him, the Austrian government and nation on the country's National Day.

In the mean time, the famously anti-felicitating Austrian press declined to even cover the day's felicitating. Instead they opted to push decidedly felicitating-free stories on grown men picking fights with kindergartners and penis removal.

But that's Austria. We might expect this sort of anti-felicitation bend from those pointy-bearded solipsists, right? But sadly, the fact of the matter is, when it comes to the vast array of felicitating going on around the world, many media operations turn a blind eye.

Some (mostly angry unwashed liberal arts types) may put forth the notion that "felicitating-based news is the grist of a controlled press" and "designed to give benevolent views of despotic powers." But I would ask these cynics: are you so disgusted with your own lives that you truly desire a press enslaved to combating with those in charge, or do you want a press corps that is free to report on the time-honored practice of felicitation? Well, you dirty hippies, what is it?

Now, if you're like me and you want to find stories about Heads of State hopping on for a ride on the Good Ship Felicitate, you already know where to get your fix. The less-is-more craigslistesque-design of the official site for the Republic of North Korea is a gold mine of felicitation happenings. Here you will find a library of paragraph-length vignettes about countries and organizations sending greetings and well-wishings to the "Great Leader" via various forms and mediums. Just recently, prime digital real estate was set aside for such felicitating-friendly fare as the receiving of an Icelandish diplomat and even the presentation of an undetermined gift from the Vietnamese Confederation of Labor to Kim Jong Il. Fan-tastic!

While most of the elitist felicitating-haters of the global media were covering state-wide protests and eventual military crackdown happening throughout in the country of Myanmar, the military junta's official site still found time to cover, you guessed it, felicitation! In this case, the President of Kazakhstan literally sent "a message of felicitations!" Now that's what the fuck I'm talking about!

While many here bemoan the mainstream media's abysmal lack of American feliciation-related happenings, I still keep hope alive that our apparent media malevolence towards felicitation is finally starting to dissipate.

I speak to this felicitation-gap, not for some fetish regarding the good will amongst military overlords and despotic bureaucrats of the third and second worlds, but out of hope for this little planet of ours. For if the leaders amongst us can make nice with each other through the art of felicitation. Then just maybe, there's hope for the rest of us.

Your family is next

The monkey revolution escalates with assassination of Deputy Mayor!

As reported by The Scotsman:

Deputy mayor killed in fall after wild monkey attack

The deputy mayor of New Delhi, India's capital, has died after being attacked by a pack of wild monkeys at his home.

Deputy Mayor S.S. Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys. He was rushed to hospital, but died yesterday.

The Monkey revolution is real, and it is happening.

And monkey-insurrection ground zero is the Indian capital. Over the years, New Delhians have tried several mostly-fruitless tactics to deal with the growing army of monkey insurgents, including "feed[ing] them bananas and peanuts." While this particular avenue would seem to most outsiders to only stroke the flames of the Monkey-People's Revolution, as it turns out monkeys are believed by devout Hindus to be manifestations of the monkey-god Hanuman. And apparently gods need to be fed. The monkeys may also not be killed or sterilized in accordance with Hindu tradition, which also worships elephant-headed patron saints of intellect and rigorous social stratas. While it is permissible to capture the monkeys and then transport them to a special preserve outside of city limits, as it turns out, it's really hard to catch a monkey.

Most municipalities around the world deal with pest infestation of one form or another. Many American urban centers utilize different combinations of adoption, sterilization, and humane extermination, which—in the least—has never led to a cell of rogue tabby terrorists staging a coup in a major American metropolis.

Yet.

Interestingly enough, while Indian religious institutions may prohibit the killing of the monkeys, it does allow for monkey-on-monkey violence:

Over the years, city authorities have employed monkey catchers who use langurs—a larger monkey—to scare or catch the macaques.

Good thing America never lets religious superstitions interfere with practical and common sense policy.

In closing, here is an artist's rendition of the Deputy Mayor's harrowing ordeal. I include this graphic scene, not to shock, or pander with sensation, but only so we can start to comprehend what is in store for us if we don't act immediately against this fuzzy menace. I've included a few spaces below, so you can avoid this unpleasantness if you wish, but I suggest all my fellow homo-sapiens who care about the future of our species to scroll down and take a good look at what terrrors you may soon face in your home town:


(GRAPHIC DEPICTION AHEAD **NSFW**)...












God protect all human kind.

Another sad chapter in the Colombia of the midwest

Well, the hop-head front of the North Dakotan farming population is at it again.

CNN reports that the merry pranksters of the northern border state, which lies conspicuously close to Canada, are pursuing the legalization of hemp. While the state legislature, governor, local media, and will of the people say they want the right to grow hemp for the economic benefit the rest of the world and the U.S. pre-1947, enjoy, may I propose a slightly more cynical analysis of the situation: that this is merely another excuse for these self-annointed "salt of the earth" N.D.s to find new ways to "groove-out" and maybe grease-up the road to scoring some poon at their Joe Francis-esque 4-H Club Caligula fests.

While the widely-utilized hemp is a cousin to the infamous devil-cabbage, and does not contain any THC, we should be wary that this is merely another example of the oft-noted North Dakotan lust for debauchery masquerading behind legislation.

North Dakota has long been the libertine shame of the nation. For example, if you google "North Dakota, sex party," you don't come up with some sad outcast's tundric porn site, in fact, your very first choice is North Dakotan free love ground zero: the North Dakotan Democratic Party.

Try it for yourselves:

Here, state governor Joe Hoeven is featured from the shoulders up, likely because he is not wearing any pants:

Digital bullying and white people in politics

Barack Obama and I are friends on MySpace. While I'm not on his Top 8, nor he, in mine. We both know the other is there.

I got a bulletin from my good Homie Internet friend the other day titled "Hillary's Money." I'm glad to see he's thankfully not sticking to all that staying "above the fray" nonsense he was talking about in the beginning. For those of you who don't share 'Bama and I's special NewsCorp-sanctioned bond, here's a little of what he sent out to his MySpace Friendsters:

Hillary Clinton aggressively seeks money from Washington lobbyists and special interest PACs. She's even said that these lobbyists represent real Americans.

She's wrong.

I think it's time to turn the page on that kind of politics, and that's why I have not accepted a dime from Washington lobbyists and special interest PACs in this race. We rely on a network of more than 350,000 ordinary people to make us competitive -- more supporters than all the other Democratic candidates combined.

Total bitch slap.

Now, Hillary, on the other hand, is not my friend on MySpace. She has, however, really impressed me in the debates, and come off knowledgeable and yes, presidential. But the reason—perhaps petty—that I choose not to virtually befriend nor support her for leader of the free world is because of her last name. Don't get me wrong, I loved me some Bill Clinton. Think what you will of him or his penis, but he was wonky and worldly and did a great job. But, still, I think political dynasties are relics of an undereducated electorate from old timey-times. Kinda like the handle bar mustaches of democracy—as a culture, we've moved on. Some people don't seem to care, but it all seems kinda South American to me. I truly do believe that in 2000, the Republicans got behind Bush, not to support for him as a candidate, as much as a way to embarrass Bill Clinton in the history books—to surround him with Bush on either side. Yup, you have quite a double entendre on your hands! Congratulations to you!

(You know, while writing this, I realized that Bill Jefferson Clinton's initials can be written as B.J. Clinton! Ha! Oral sex! Fantastic!)

But I may have to re-evaluate the ire of my anti-dynastism. Because as it turns out, Barack is a Dick... Cheney relative. The Guardian is reporting that Lynn Cheney took some time out from her busy schedule of having sex with Jon Stewart, and staging awkward televised tiffs to throw their spouses off, to research her family's roots to discover that Obama and Cheney are cousins.

For reals.

Lynne Cheney told an interviewer that she discovered the connection between her husband and the candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination while researching a memoir of growing up in Wyoming, entitled Blue Skies, No Fences, although she did not include this fact in her memoir. She said that the two were both descended from a man who moved to Wyoming from Maryland.

And here's the other weird part:

Last month the Chicago Sun-Times revealed the equally startling news that Mr Obama is an 11th cousin of President George Bush, thanks to a 17th-century Massachusetts couple, Samuel Hinckley and Sarah Soole.

I'm still kinda digesting it all. I like Obama, not because of his stance on the issues—most of which remain a mystery to me—but because, perhaps for the first time ever, I was actually moved by a speech given by a politician. He was the un-politician with worldly roots, which we need more than ever in this shrinking globe.

Now I find out he's just another white guy.

Yeah.

So, on the topic of white people, there seems like there's a good chance a white person might win the presidency this time. But with Fred Thompson crapping out, Giuliani going all bonkers on foreign affairs, Hillary being a Clinton, there still is a hope for me finding a white person I can back. And that cracker just may be... Governor Mike Huckabee. I think this nation needs to have a President Huckabee. I don't think I agree with him on anything, nor do I think he would do even a halfway competent job. But how awesome would it be to turn on CNN and have the news caster look into the camera and say "President Huckabee is at it again" and, like, talk about all of Huckabee's crazy misadventures with the visiting President of Belgium. I just want to pinch that dude's cheeks!

Huckabee!



The Arkansas Governor pictured here signing a painting of a bird, apparently.

T.I. keeps it real dumb.

Rapper T.I.—who I always want to be more talented than he is—is arrested on gun charges. I love his song "What you know about that?"--it was my MySpace song for quite a while. I really wanted it to be a big, political statement that would match the awesomeness of the beats, but the lyrics, like most southern rap (Outkast, Dead Prez, and a few others aside), always find a way to bore the fuck out of me. Mr. I. faces many years in prison, where he will be treated like a God—or get shanked. But but on the bright side, still manages to win two BET Hip-Hop Awards.

The entertainer, whose real name is Clifford Harris, was arrested in a federal sting Saturday after his bodyguard-turned-informant delivered three machine guns and two silencers to the hip-hop star, according to a Justice Department statement.

Authorities said that Harris, 27, provided the bodyguard $12,000 to buy the weapons, which Harris is not allowed to own because he is a convicted felon. Court documents said Harris was convicted on felony drug charges in 1998, and a federal affidavit said he has been arrested on gun charges in the past.

...

The show went on without the self-proclaimed "King of the South," whose car and College Park, Georgia, home were searched following his arrest.

Authorities said they found three more firearms in the car in which Harris drove to pick up the machine guns and silencers, "including one loaded gun tucked between the driver's seat where Harris had been sitting and the center console."

At his home, authorities found six other guns, five of them loaded, in his bedroom closet.

Reportedly, he will face trial tomorrow. My guess of his defense: "They were props for a video shoot."

Really, it's all just a sad situation. I think "B. Herndon," a commenter on the pop-culture journal of thought www.ballerstatus.com, summed it up best:

Man free my nigga man... Dat Punk Ass Security Guard Needa Get Got.... Ya Digg.... T.I= man u the dumbest nigga ALIVE but man u already no when u get Out.. BIG Bottles To The Head iight folk A.TOWN STAND UP

This big bottle to the head is for you, T.I.

I'm modern socialist man and so can you.

Deep down from the bowels of cnn.com:

The president has a long list of other "New Man" recommendations: Don't douse foods with too much hot sauce, exercise regularly, eat low-cholesterol foods, respect speed limits.

According to this story, the somewhere-between-awesome-and-scary Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is pushing for his country to pursue moral-correctness in the mode of Modern Socialist Man.

Top on the to-do list: new taxes on alcohol and tobacco as well as on luxury items such as Hummers and artwork. H.C. has gone on to decry his fellow countrymen's vices of the drink, the smoke, the fatty foods, materialism, speeding, use of hot sauce, as well as his nation's apparent fondness for breast enhancement and doctored "'J Lo' buttocks" for teenage girls:

Okay, of all these societal ills, I must admit I don't exactly understand the hot sauce thing. But I will say this: after seeing the positive effects resulting from the numerous smoking bans; taxes; and most importantly, regulations on advertising, have had on the tobacco habits of this country, I yearn for the day when the far more-destructive vice of alcohol faces the same scrutiny.

I guess I am just a modern socialist man living in the anarchist collective called America, but this country will be a better place when local governments levy taxes and implement regulations (though not bans) on alcohol. The Federal government should then utilize its interstate-commerce regulation powers to implement alcoholic ad bans on national media. Perhaps then our young men might not feel that sitting lounging on a couch, growing large with both fat and flatulence, in expectations of non-existent beautiful women to attend to them, is the best choice of one's time. At the same time, a regulated, no-ad policy should also be implemented for marijuana and any other drug that can't readily kill you.

Of course, if you agree with brownish tropical antichrist Hugo Chavez—on anything—then that must mean you too are a fascist godless pinko.

But then, I, like Chavez, also think breast and/or buttocks augmentation surgeries for 15-year-olds are a "horrible thing."

Maybe I should re-evaluate my love for spicy food.

Iggy Poop Bag?... (sorry)

After watching an episode of the awful Henry Rollins Show, I caught a performance by seminal proto-rock and/or roll band, The Stooges.

Surely, The Stooges and their skeletal dynamo of a lead singer, Iggy Pop, have made several great albums and have influenced everyone from The Dead Kennedys to the Chili Peppers, and their effect--all these years later--can still be seen even in the sea of well-meaning, but under-inspiring garage bands of today.

But the band is getting on in years. Iggy is friggin 60 this year. And like most 60-year-olds, the body starts to break-down. And, here, the usually frantic performer--whose reportedly large member still makes a male-camel-toe cameo--looks like he just has a bad back or something. He barely moves his back from a slightly bent fashion and seems like he might be backing something in the side of his sweat pants. Hate to point it out, but could it be Iggy Pop, inventor of the stage dive, has a... Colostomy Bag? Take a look and decide what you think.


Iggy and his penis in better times.