Digital bullying and white people in politics

Barack Obama and I are friends on MySpace. While I'm not on his Top 8, nor he, in mine. We both know the other is there.

I got a bulletin from my good Homie Internet friend the other day titled "Hillary's Money." I'm glad to see he's thankfully not sticking to all that staying "above the fray" nonsense he was talking about in the beginning. For those of you who don't share 'Bama and I's special NewsCorp-sanctioned bond, here's a little of what he sent out to his MySpace Friendsters:

Hillary Clinton aggressively seeks money from Washington lobbyists and special interest PACs. She's even said that these lobbyists represent real Americans.

She's wrong.

I think it's time to turn the page on that kind of politics, and that's why I have not accepted a dime from Washington lobbyists and special interest PACs in this race. We rely on a network of more than 350,000 ordinary people to make us competitive -- more supporters than all the other Democratic candidates combined.

Total bitch slap.

Now, Hillary, on the other hand, is not my friend on MySpace. She has, however, really impressed me in the debates, and come off knowledgeable and yes, presidential. But the reason—perhaps petty—that I choose not to virtually befriend nor support her for leader of the free world is because of her last name. Don't get me wrong, I loved me some Bill Clinton. Think what you will of him or his penis, but he was wonky and worldly and did a great job. But, still, I think political dynasties are relics of an undereducated electorate from old timey-times. Kinda like the handle bar mustaches of democracy—as a culture, we've moved on. Some people don't seem to care, but it all seems kinda South American to me. I truly do believe that in 2000, the Republicans got behind Bush, not to support for him as a candidate, as much as a way to embarrass Bill Clinton in the history books—to surround him with Bush on either side. Yup, you have quite a double entendre on your hands! Congratulations to you!

(You know, while writing this, I realized that Bill Jefferson Clinton's initials can be written as B.J. Clinton! Ha! Oral sex! Fantastic!)

But I may have to re-evaluate the ire of my anti-dynastism. Because as it turns out, Barack is a Dick... Cheney relative. The Guardian is reporting that Lynn Cheney took some time out from her busy schedule of having sex with Jon Stewart, and staging awkward televised tiffs to throw their spouses off, to research her family's roots to discover that Obama and Cheney are cousins.

For reals.

Lynne Cheney told an interviewer that she discovered the connection between her husband and the candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination while researching a memoir of growing up in Wyoming, entitled Blue Skies, No Fences, although she did not include this fact in her memoir. She said that the two were both descended from a man who moved to Wyoming from Maryland.

And here's the other weird part:

Last month the Chicago Sun-Times revealed the equally startling news that Mr Obama is an 11th cousin of President George Bush, thanks to a 17th-century Massachusetts couple, Samuel Hinckley and Sarah Soole.

I'm still kinda digesting it all. I like Obama, not because of his stance on the issues—most of which remain a mystery to me—but because, perhaps for the first time ever, I was actually moved by a speech given by a politician. He was the un-politician with worldly roots, which we need more than ever in this shrinking globe.

Now I find out he's just another white guy.

Yeah.

So, on the topic of white people, there seems like there's a good chance a white person might win the presidency this time. But with Fred Thompson crapping out, Giuliani going all bonkers on foreign affairs, Hillary being a Clinton, there still is a hope for me finding a white person I can back. And that cracker just may be... Governor Mike Huckabee. I think this nation needs to have a President Huckabee. I don't think I agree with him on anything, nor do I think he would do even a halfway competent job. But how awesome would it be to turn on CNN and have the news caster look into the camera and say "President Huckabee is at it again" and, like, talk about all of Huckabee's crazy misadventures with the visiting President of Belgium. I just want to pinch that dude's cheeks!

Huckabee!



The Arkansas Governor pictured here signing a painting of a bird, apparently.