Oil prices rising to near $100 a barrel with no end in sight, Pakistan suspends its constitution, and the continued diminishment of the US dollar is creating new economic realities this nation has not faced in generations.
These are some of the "big news stories" as the evening of Thursday, November 8th draws to a close.
Snore!
Interesting stories? Perhaps. Maybe they can pass as material for fodder for some. But truly—and I think I speak for all people who get their news on-line on this one—one question always come to mind when looking for news on the virtual interfaces of the major information outlets: how is this news relevant to the use and enjoyment of my genitals?
While some may genuinely search "news sites" for the day's weather, stock quotes, the score of yesterday's game, or the latest blood-soaked woes of human conflict in far away land, most of us with properly functioning pud-pokers gladly troll news and information sites for our fix of thinly-veiled soft core porn with which to stimulate our various joy buttons en route to rapturous orgasm.
Coming home after a hard days work, who doesn't like to relax, take a seat, and search through the collective record of human knowledge for detailed updates on the sad state of our teenaged female population and their debaucherous sex adventures? Debauchery which sometimes shamelessly (wink!) even ends up with said dirty, dirty, naughty behavior being caught on tape or the occasional cellphone video. We want to read and nod our heads in agreement with sternly-worded essay decrying the latest starlet's underwear deficiency, complete with descriptions of their most personal of grooming habits and, when available, links to pixelated lady meat (which we all know—if you stare long enough—you can totally tell what's going on down there).
Of course, we could simply sift through the vast libraries of free web pornography for content to properly stimulate our fuzzy flesh ports.
But then we'd be perverts.
Perhaps like that 19-year-old who had forbidden jailbait sex with a 14-year-old he met on MySpace. Some of you may be saying "That's not a news item you should masturbate to! Pedophiles targeting kids on-line is a big problem, you insensitive jerk!" And, I resolutely agree! But in this case they were only five years apart—we wouldn't think anything of that 50 years ago. Now, if he's was 21, that might be disturbing. But they're both teenagers for Christ's sake! That's just hot! Disagree? Well, I, for one, am mature enough that I can appreciate the dissenting opinions of others. Perhaps, in order to come to some sort of resolution on this matter, we should have a respectful and lengthy discussion about the ways and means of modern teenage sexual practices, which should absolutely include doing research on legitimate news stories featuring detailed descriptions of "chicken parties" where teenage girls make-out with each other to please boys.
Web democracy in so god damn hot!
Of course, most decision makers of these news organizations still feel the need to give the public something more than merely the sexy sexy coverage of world events we desire. This is the news after all—it's not just there to stimulate our meat popsicles to the point of coughing up warm love jam. So, they still insist on filling our computer screens with stories on natural "disasters" and profiles of some guy named Benazir Bhutto. I ask you, what the fuck is hot about that?!? Nothing I've been able to find! And believe me, in desperation during slow news cycles, I've beat my self purple trying to make it happen.
Now if you take a short trip over to Foxnews.com's "most viewed" section, we are given a true, market-driven democratic glimpse of what properly self-actualized, and orgasm-minded Fox News surfers were reading on a Thursday night in the midst of a presidential election, two foreign wars, and a looming financial catastrophe:
*[Interestingly, this story actually links to a story on Jezebel making fun of the London Daily Mail for running this story, complete with illustrations, the previous day. Yeah—Foxnews.com linked Jezebel.]
As a point of comparison, here are Thursday evening's most popular stories on the BBC.com, which, as it turns out, is apparently mostly read by nerdly eunuchs:
Thank you Jesus for this delicious and sexy information age!
These are some of the "big news stories" as the evening of Thursday, November 8th draws to a close.
Snore!
Interesting stories? Perhaps. Maybe they can pass as material for fodder for some. But truly—and I think I speak for all people who get their news on-line on this one—one question always come to mind when looking for news on the virtual interfaces of the major information outlets: how is this news relevant to the use and enjoyment of my genitals?
While some may genuinely search "news sites" for the day's weather, stock quotes, the score of yesterday's game, or the latest blood-soaked woes of human conflict in far away land, most of us with properly functioning pud-pokers gladly troll news and information sites for our fix of thinly-veiled soft core porn with which to stimulate our various joy buttons en route to rapturous orgasm.
Coming home after a hard days work, who doesn't like to relax, take a seat, and search through the collective record of human knowledge for detailed updates on the sad state of our teenaged female population and their debaucherous sex adventures? Debauchery which sometimes shamelessly (wink!) even ends up with said dirty, dirty, naughty behavior being caught on tape or the occasional cellphone video. We want to read and nod our heads in agreement with sternly-worded essay decrying the latest starlet's underwear deficiency, complete with descriptions of their most personal of grooming habits and, when available, links to pixelated lady meat (which we all know—if you stare long enough—you can totally tell what's going on down there).
Of course, we could simply sift through the vast libraries of free web pornography for content to properly stimulate our fuzzy flesh ports.
But then we'd be perverts.
Perhaps like that 19-year-old who had forbidden jailbait sex with a 14-year-old he met on MySpace. Some of you may be saying "That's not a news item you should masturbate to! Pedophiles targeting kids on-line is a big problem, you insensitive jerk!" And, I resolutely agree! But in this case they were only five years apart—we wouldn't think anything of that 50 years ago. Now, if he's was 21, that might be disturbing. But they're both teenagers for Christ's sake! That's just hot! Disagree? Well, I, for one, am mature enough that I can appreciate the dissenting opinions of others. Perhaps, in order to come to some sort of resolution on this matter, we should have a respectful and lengthy discussion about the ways and means of modern teenage sexual practices, which should absolutely include doing research on legitimate news stories featuring detailed descriptions of "chicken parties" where teenage girls make-out with each other to please boys.
Web democracy in so god damn hot!
Of course, most decision makers of these news organizations still feel the need to give the public something more than merely the sexy sexy coverage of world events we desire. This is the news after all—it's not just there to stimulate our meat popsicles to the point of coughing up warm love jam. So, they still insist on filling our computer screens with stories on natural "disasters" and profiles of some guy named Benazir Bhutto. I ask you, what the fuck is hot about that?!? Nothing I've been able to find! And believe me, in desperation during slow news cycles, I've beat my self purple trying to make it happen.
Now if you take a short trip over to Foxnews.com's "most viewed" section, we are given a true, market-driven democratic glimpse of what properly self-actualized, and orgasm-minded Fox News surfers were reading on a Thursday night in the midst of a presidential election, two foreign wars, and a looming financial catastrophe:
- Stripper Mistakenly Sent to School, Whips Teen
- Coroner: Death of Illinois Officer's 3rd Wife Should Have Been Ruled 'Undetermined'
- Pop Tarts: Exclusive: Mama Lynne Made Britney Bare Thong?
- Report: Aqua Dots Recalled for Possibly Containing Date Rape Drug
- Study: The Sexier the Walk, the Less Fertile the Woman
- Woman Charged With Biting Off Ex-Boyfriend's Lip During Kiss
- Cruise Ship Runs Aground in Virginia With 66 Aboard; Passengers Rescued
- Bodybuilding Champion, 22, Found Dead in Bathroom of Alabama Dorm Room
- Kenny Chesney, Carrie Underwood, George Strait Among Big CMA Winners
- Two Dozen Illegal Immigrants Arrested Using Fake Badges to Work at O'Hare International Airport
- Drunk and Out of Control on Facebook*
- Rosie O'Donnell, MSNBC: No Deal
- Indian Girl Born With Eight-Limbs Shows First Signs of Movement Following Operation
- One Indonesian Volcano Erupts, Another Quiets Down
- Police Arrest Boston Priest for Stalking Late Night TV Host Conan O'Brien
- Pop Tarts: Angelina Freaks Out Seeing Herself Naked in 'Beowulf,' Calls Home to Explain
*[Interestingly, this story actually links to a story on Jezebel making fun of the London Daily Mail for running this story, complete with illustrations, the previous day. Yeah—Foxnews.com linked Jezebel.]
As a point of comparison, here are Thursday evening's most popular stories on the BBC.com, which, as it turns out, is apparently mostly read by nerdly eunuchs:
- UK chooses 'most ludicrous laws'
- The UK family: In statistics
- Gaze 'key to facial attraction'
- Man kills eight at Finnish school
- Obesity 'fuels cancer in women'
Thank you Jesus for this delicious and sexy information age!
