The REAL Illeagle Immigrant problem:

Many have cased this presidential election as a referendum on our nation's view towards the immigrant swell knocking at the doors of the country. This is, of course, a media rouse born in the depths of the AM talk radio static-sphere and written on the backs of hard-working neighbors from south. This is a nonsense argument built from the mortar ignorance and the pestel of fear. We are all members of the same human family. And, like the waves of human immigrants who have come before them, our fellow mankind will write their chapters in the story of America.

But there is a problem facing the nation and it does come from south of the border, and—not that you will see it in the opinion pages or cable televised rants —it has the capacity to take this nation down in a stealthy silence. The problem I speak of is, of course, Puerto Rican medical research super-monkeys run amok. Medical research super monkeys are on the loose, and have caused this, small US state-lite to be the latest victim in what will surely be a long line of Kong-like massacres in the coming super-monkey wars.
The world has sat idely by—and the monkey-infiltrated news media has remained suspiciously silent—as the tropical beacon of prosperity of Puerto Rico has been transformed into an impoverished wasteland. What was once a Caribbean paradise is now a battlefield, where marauding gangs of escaped "Patas" monkeys have destroyed millions of dollars in crops and turned the once proud human population of Lajas into—what I can only imagine are—captives in their own all-to-real Planet of the Apes nightmare world.

And what is Puerto "not really a state" Rico's plan for the deadly simian menace? Export the monkeys to the actual state of Florida. According to the Orlando Sentinel:

About 30 patas monkeys have been shipped to the Florida International Teaching Zoo in Sumter County as part of a larger strategy to capture, neuter, track and export packs of monkeys that have invaded the island from a defunct research facility.

Like all inherently good places, Puerto Rico has no naturally-occurring monkey population. The Patas were brought to a government-sponsored research facility on a small Island 70 miles off the coast of Lajas. After the research facility—which was likely looking into the possibility of creating hyper-intelligent Puerto Rican monkey soldiers—was abandoned in the late '70s, the Pacas managed to cross the ocean onto the mainland where they have been—what can only be described as—staging an insurrection for control of the island, one of America's main sources for coffee and sugar cane.

In a plot twist foreshadowed in the political allegory 28 Days Later (where the zombies represented monkeys), a group of Floridian monkey-hugging do-gooders want to capture and bring some of the Pacas to the joyfully monkey-less nation of America. Why? They claim for distribution to zoos nationwide for fear that, in the future, Pacas might become extinct due to poaching in Africa. Africa, a continent known for its bountiful bio-diversity is also—it should be noted—known to be home to several monkey species, as well as renowned for its human strife and suffering.

In the midsts of this important presidential election, not one presidential candidate of either party has come forward with a platform to deal with Puerto Rican medical research super-monkeys. Furthermore, this plan to import these hairbacks to do the work that American zoo monkeys refuse to do (and the accompanying media blackout) comes on the heels of one of the most audacious escalations in monkey-human relations in several decades.

Watch your back, people.



To the left: An average Puerto Rican Man searches the desolate urban landscape for deadly monkeys.