In regards to Robot Shortage

Dear President-Elect Obama,

As a concerned citizen, I demand that America close its alarming robot deficit. If this nation is to survive the coming robot wars, which will be shortly followed by the robot apocalypse, we must, in the least, redouble our domestic robot production. If we continue to fall behind other countries in our robot output, there is no telling what robot-lacking doom awaits us.

While many naysayers will try to sway you away from making robot production a priority. A faltering economy, terrorist threats, and millions without health care, they will tell you, should be your administrations "true" priorities. But may I only suggest that you view the terrifying documentaries I, Robot and Terminator 2: Judgement Day to understand the freightening scope we are up against.

The good news, Mr. Obama, is that it is not too late to avoid this all-too-real future hell-scape--if we act now. I would like to provide my services as a Robot Production Czar, or perhaps, with the enormity of this situation, a Secretary of Robot and Android Production position would be in order. In this position, I would have access to you at all times and could keep you up-to-date on all robot happenings as they occour. We could have a daily-scheduled Robot Lunch where I would brief you on all robot updates, their implications to the country, and what actions we should take. Of course, I understand that your schedule will occasionaly mandate that you travel abroad and we would not be able to have our daily Robot Lunch. However, Mr. Obama, with modern-day phone technology, our Daily Robot Briefing Lunchtime could takeplace over even great distances! I can promise that I would even alter my eating schedule to match lunchtime in whatever timezone you were in, so that we could both be eating lunch at the same time. This, Mr. President-Elect, is the dedication I would bring to this position.

Also, I would like to be Ghost Czar. As you know, every day millions of Americans are terrified by ghosts. Previous administrations have chosen to ignore the problem of scary ghosts, but I am hoping that your administration--one that ran on the promise of hope and change--will guard America against the plague of robot shortages and hauntings.

The choice is yours, Mr. Obama.

Sincerely,
Evan Dashevsky

The REAL Illeagle Immigrant problem:

Many have cased this presidential election as a referendum on our nation's view towards the immigrant swell knocking at the doors of the country. This is, of course, a media rouse born in the depths of the AM talk radio static-sphere and written on the backs of hard-working neighbors from south. This is a nonsense argument built from the mortar ignorance and the pestel of fear. We are all members of the same human family. And, like the waves of human immigrants who have come before them, our fellow mankind will write their chapters in the story of America.

But there is a problem facing the nation and it does come from south of the border, and—not that you will see it in the opinion pages or cable televised rants —it has the capacity to take this nation down in a stealthy silence. The problem I speak of is, of course, Puerto Rican medical research super-monkeys run amok. Medical research super monkeys are on the loose, and have caused this, small US state-lite to be the latest victim in what will surely be a long line of Kong-like massacres in the coming super-monkey wars.
The world has sat idely by—and the monkey-infiltrated news media has remained suspiciously silent—as the tropical beacon of prosperity of Puerto Rico has been transformed into an impoverished wasteland. What was once a Caribbean paradise is now a battlefield, where marauding gangs of escaped "Patas" monkeys have destroyed millions of dollars in crops and turned the once proud human population of Lajas into—what I can only imagine are—captives in their own all-to-real Planet of the Apes nightmare world.

And what is Puerto "not really a state" Rico's plan for the deadly simian menace? Export the monkeys to the actual state of Florida. According to the Orlando Sentinel:

About 30 patas monkeys have been shipped to the Florida International Teaching Zoo in Sumter County as part of a larger strategy to capture, neuter, track and export packs of monkeys that have invaded the island from a defunct research facility.

Like all inherently good places, Puerto Rico has no naturally-occurring monkey population. The Patas were brought to a government-sponsored research facility on a small Island 70 miles off the coast of Lajas. After the research facility—which was likely looking into the possibility of creating hyper-intelligent Puerto Rican monkey soldiers—was abandoned in the late '70s, the Pacas managed to cross the ocean onto the mainland where they have been—what can only be described as—staging an insurrection for control of the island, one of America's main sources for coffee and sugar cane.

In a plot twist foreshadowed in the political allegory 28 Days Later (where the zombies represented monkeys), a group of Floridian monkey-hugging do-gooders want to capture and bring some of the Pacas to the joyfully monkey-less nation of America. Why? They claim for distribution to zoos nationwide for fear that, in the future, Pacas might become extinct due to poaching in Africa. Africa, a continent known for its bountiful bio-diversity is also—it should be noted—known to be home to several monkey species, as well as renowned for its human strife and suffering.

In the midsts of this important presidential election, not one presidential candidate of either party has come forward with a platform to deal with Puerto Rican medical research super-monkeys. Furthermore, this plan to import these hairbacks to do the work that American zoo monkeys refuse to do (and the accompanying media blackout) comes on the heels of one of the most audacious escalations in monkey-human relations in several decades.

Watch your back, people.



To the left: An average Puerto Rican Man searches the desolate urban landscape for deadly monkeys.

Foxnews.com and friends: Porn for people too shy to look at porn

Oil prices rising to near $100 a barrel with no end in sight, Pakistan suspends its constitution, and the continued diminishment of the US dollar is creating new economic realities this nation has not faced in generations.

These are some of the "big news stories" as the evening of Thursday, November 8th draws to a close.

Snore!

Interesting stories? Perhaps. Maybe they can pass as material for fodder for some. But truly—and I think I speak for all people who get their news on-line on this one—one question always come to mind when looking for news on the virtual interfaces of the major information outlets: how is this news relevant to the use and enjoyment of my genitals?

While some may genuinely search "news sites" for the day's weather, stock quotes, the score of yesterday's game, or the latest blood-soaked woes of human conflict in far away land, most of us with properly functioning pud-pokers gladly troll news and information sites for our fix of thinly-veiled soft core porn with which to stimulate our various joy buttons en route to rapturous orgasm.

Coming home after a hard days work, who doesn't like to relax, take a seat, and search through the collective record of human knowledge for detailed updates on the sad state of our teenaged female population and their debaucherous sex adventures? Debauchery which sometimes shamelessly (wink!) even ends up with said dirty, dirty, naughty behavior being caught on tape or the occasional cellphone video. We want to read and nod our heads in agreement with sternly-worded essay decrying the latest starlet's underwear deficiency, complete with descriptions of their most personal of grooming habits and, when available, links to pixelated lady meat (which we all know—if you stare long enough—you can totally tell what's going on down there).

Of course, we could simply sift through the vast libraries of free web pornography for content to properly stimulate our fuzzy flesh ports.

But then we'd be perverts.

Perhaps like that 19-year-old who had forbidden jailbait sex with a 14-year-old he met on MySpace. Some of you may be saying "That's not a news item you should masturbate to! Pedophiles targeting kids on-line is a big problem, you insensitive jerk!" And, I resolutely agree! But in this case they were only five years apart—we wouldn't think anything of that 50 years ago. Now, if he's was 21, that might be disturbing. But they're both teenagers for Christ's sake! That's just hot! Disagree? Well, I, for one, am mature enough that I can appreciate the dissenting opinions of others. Perhaps, in order to come to some sort of resolution on this matter, we should have a respectful and lengthy discussion about the ways and means of modern teenage sexual practices, which should absolutely include doing research on legitimate news stories featuring detailed descriptions of "chicken parties" where teenage girls make-out with each other to please boys.

Web democracy in so god damn hot!

Of course, most decision makers of these news organizations still feel the need to give the public something more than merely the sexy sexy coverage of world events we desire. This is the news after all—it's not just there to stimulate our meat popsicles to the point of coughing up warm love jam. So, they still insist on filling our computer screens with stories on natural "disasters" and profiles of some guy named Benazir Bhutto. I ask you, what the fuck is hot about that?!? Nothing I've been able to find! And believe me, in desperation during slow news cycles, I've beat my self purple trying to make it happen.

Now if you take a short trip over to Foxnews.com's "most viewed" section, we are given a true, market-driven democratic glimpse of what properly self-actualized, and orgasm-minded Fox News surfers were reading on a Thursday night in the midst of a presidential election, two foreign wars, and a looming financial catastrophe:

• Stripper Mistakenly Sent to School, Whips Teen
• Coroner: Death of Illinois Officer's 3rd Wife Should Have Been Ruled 'Undetermined'
• Pop Tarts: Exclusive: Mama Lynne Made Britney Bare Thong?
• Report: Aqua Dots Recalled for Possibly Containing Date Rape Drug
• Study: The Sexier the Walk, the Less Fertile the Woman
• Woman Charged With Biting Off Ex-Boyfriend's Lip During Kiss
• Cruise Ship Runs Aground in Virginia With 66 Aboard; Passengers Rescued
• Bodybuilding Champion, 22, Found Dead in Bathroom of Alabama Dorm Room
• Kenny Chesney, Carrie Underwood, George Strait Among Big CMA Winners
• Two Dozen Illegal Immigrants Arrested Using Fake Badges to Work at O'Hare International Airport
• Drunk and Out of Control on Facebook*
• Rosie O'Donnell, MSNBC: No Deal
• Indian Girl Born With Eight-Limbs Shows First Signs of Movement Following Operation
• One Indonesian Volcano Erupts, Another Quiets Down
• Police Arrest Boston Priest for Stalking Late Night TV Host Conan O'Brien
• Pop Tarts: Angelina Freaks Out Seeing Herself Naked in 'Beowulf,' Calls Home to Explain

The Pulitzer-bound (at least in my Average Joe, non-elitist mind) "Drunk and Out of Control on Facebook"* even features a pictorial montage of drunk girls in various states of undress. This was important to include because it illustrates what passed-out young girls in various states of undress looks like, and the sordid depths this despicable sex-crazed culture will sink. ;)

*[Interestingly, this story actually links to a story on Jezebel making fun of the London Daily Mail for running this story, complete with illustrations, the previous day. Yeah—Foxnews.com linked Jezebel.]

As a point of comparison, here are Thursday evening's most popular stories on the BBC.com, which, as it turns out, is apparently mostly read by nerdly eunuchs:

• UK chooses 'most ludicrous laws'
• The UK family: In statistics
• Gaze 'key to facial attraction'
• Man kills eight at Finnish school
• Obesity 'fuels cancer in women'

Thank you Jesus for this delicious and sexy information age!

Starbucks penis

from the Bowels of CNN:

'Coffee condoms' appeal to java-crazy Ethiopians

A U.S.-based charity is hoping to fight the spread of AIDS with a unique product that appeals to coffee mania in the country that claims to have invented the drink: java-scented condoms for Ethiopia.

Ethiopians have complained about the latex smell of conventional condoms. According to one expert on Ethiopian sex, the new condoms will help stop the spread of STDs in east African nation because "everybody likes the flavor of coffee."

above, an Ethiopian man and woman
enjoy his coffee-flavored boner

Iranian President performs felicitatio on Austrian counterpart, American press mum on subject

Yup, you probably didn't read this while perusing major news sites, but the Iranian News Organization is reporting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "felicitate[d] his Austrian counterpart to mark their National day."

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad cabled a message on Thursday to his Austrian counterpart Heinz Fischer to congratulate him, the Austrian government and nation on the country's Nation Day. [sic]

But, according to late developments in the story, the cross-continental felicitating didn't stop there:

In another development, Iran's First Vice President Parviz Davoudi sent a message to Austrian Chancellor Alfred Gusenbauer to congratulate him, the Austrian government and nation on the country's National Day.

In the mean time, the famously anti-felicitating Austrian press declined to even cover the day's felicitating. Instead they opted to push decidedly felicitating-free stories on grown men picking fights with kindergartners and penis removal.

But that's Austria. We might expect this sort of anti-felicitation bend from those pointy-bearded solipsists, right? But sadly, the fact of the matter is, when it comes to the vast array of felicitating going on around the world, many media operations turn a blind eye.

Some (mostly angry unwashed liberal arts types) may put forth the notion that "felicitating-based news is the grist of a controlled press" and "designed to give benevolent views of despotic powers." But I would ask these cynics: are you so disgusted with your own lives that you truly desire a press enslaved to combating with those in charge, or do you want a press corps that is free to report on the time-honored practice of felicitation? Well, you dirty hippies, what is it?

Now, if you're like me and you want to find stories about Heads of State hopping on for a ride on the Good Ship Felicitate, you already know where to get your fix. The less-is-more craigslistesque-design of the official site for the Republic of North Korea is a gold mine of felicitation happenings. Here you will find a library of paragraph-length vignettes about countries and organizations sending greetings and well-wishings to the "Great Leader" via various forms and mediums. Just recently, prime digital real estate was set aside for such felicitating-friendly fare as the receiving of an Icelandish diplomat and even the presentation of an undetermined gift from the Vietnamese Confederation of Labor to Kim Jong Il. Fan-tastic!

While most of the elitist felicitating-haters of the global media were covering state-wide protests and eventual military crackdown happening throughout in the country of Myanmar, the military junta's official site still found time to cover, you guessed it, felicitation! In this case, the President of Kazakhstan literally sent "a message of felicitations!" Now that's what the fuck I'm talking about!

While many here bemoan the mainstream media's abysmal lack of American feliciation-related happenings, I still keep hope alive that our apparent media malevolence towards felicitation is finally starting to dissipate.

I speak to this felicitation-gap, not for some fetish regarding the good will amongst military overlords and despotic bureaucrats of the third and second worlds, but out of hope for this little planet of ours. For if the leaders amongst us can make nice with each other through the art of felicitation. Then just maybe, there's hope for the rest of us.

Your family is next

The monkey revolution escalates with assassination of Deputy Mayor!

As reported by The Scotsman:

Deputy mayor killed in fall after wild monkey attack

The deputy mayor of New Delhi, India's capital, has died after being attacked by a pack of wild monkeys at his home.

Deputy Mayor S.S. Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys. He was rushed to hospital, but died yesterday.

The Monkey revolution is real, and it is happening.

And monkey-insurrection ground zero is the Indian capital. Over the years, New Delhians have tried several mostly-fruitless tactics to deal with the growing army of monkey insurgents, including "feed[ing] them bananas and peanuts." While this particular avenue would seem to most outsiders to only stroke the flames of the Monkey-People's Revolution, as it turns out monkeys are believed by devout Hindus to be manifestations of the monkey-god Hanuman. And apparently gods need to be fed. The monkeys may also not be killed or sterilized in accordance with Hindu tradition, which also worships elephant-headed patron saints of intellect and rigorous social stratas. While it is permissible to capture the monkeys and then transport them to a special preserve outside of city limits, as it turns out, it's really hard to catch a monkey.

Most municipalities around the world deal with pest infestation of one form or another. Many American urban centers utilize different combinations of adoption, sterilization, and humane extermination, which—in the least—has never led to a cell of rogue tabby terrorists staging a coup in a major American metropolis.

Yet.

Interestingly enough, while Indian religious institutions may prohibit the killing of the monkeys, it does allow for monkey-on-monkey violence:

Over the years, city authorities have employed monkey catchers who use langurs—a larger monkey—to scare or catch the macaques.

Good thing America never lets religious superstitions interfere with practical and common sense policy.

In closing, here is an artist's rendition of the Deputy Mayor's harrowing ordeal. I include this graphic scene, not to shock, or pander with sensation, but only so we can start to comprehend what is in store for us if we don't act immediately against this fuzzy menace. I've included a few spaces below, so you can avoid this unpleasantness if you wish, but I suggest all my fellow homo-sapiens who care about the future of our species to scroll down and take a good look at what terrrors you may soon face in your home town:


(GRAPHIC DEPICTION AHEAD **NSFW**)...












God protect all human kind.

Another sad chapter in the Colombia of the midwest

Well, the hop-head front of the North Dakotan farming population is at it again.

CNN reports that the merry pranksters of the northern border state, which lies conspicuously close to Canada, are pursuing the legalization of hemp. While the state legislature, governor, local media, and will of the people say they want the right to grow hemp for the economic benefit the rest of the world and the U.S. pre-1947, enjoy, may I propose a slightly more cynical analysis of the situation: that this is merely another excuse for these self-annointed "salt of the earth" N.D.s to find new ways to "groove-out" and maybe grease-up the road to scoring some poon at their Joe Francis-esque 4-H Club Caligula fests.

While the widely-utilized hemp is a cousin to the infamous devil-cabbage, and does not contain any THC, we should be wary that this is merely another example of the oft-noted North Dakotan lust for debauchery masquerading behind legislation.

North Dakota has long been the libertine shame of the nation. For example, if you google "North Dakota, sex party," you don't come up with some sad outcast's tundric porn site, in fact, your very first choice is North Dakotan free love ground zero: the North Dakotan Democratic Party.

Try it for yourselves:

Here, state governor Joe Hoeven is featured from the shoulders up, likely because he is not wearing any pants: