Folk Hero from Beyond the Moon

In regards to Robot Shortage

2009-01-09T15:56:00.002-05:00

Dear President-Elect Obama,

As a concerned citizen, I demand that America close its alarming robot deficit. If this nation is to survive the coming robot wars, which will be shortly followed by the robot apocalypse, we must, in the least, redouble our domestic robot production. If we continue to fall behind other countries in our robot output, there is no telling what robot-lacking doom awaits us.

While many naysayers will try to sway you away from making robot production a priority. A faltering economy, terrorist threats, and millions without health care, they will tell you, should be your administrations "true" priorities. But may I only suggest that you view the terrifying documentaries I, Robot and Terminator 2: Judgement Day to understand the freightening scope we are up against.

The good news, Mr. Obama, is that it is not too late to avoid this all-too-real future hell-scape--if we act now. I would like to provide my services as a Robot Production Czar, or perhaps, with the enormity of this situation, a Secretary of Robot and Android Production position would be in order. In this position, I would have access to you at all times and could keep you up-to-date on all robot happenings as they occour. We could have a daily-scheduled Robot Lunch where I would brief you on all robot updates, their implications to the country, and what actions we should take. Of course, I understand that your schedule will occasionaly mandate that you travel abroad and we would not be able to have our daily Robot Lunch. However, Mr. Obama, with modern-day phone technology, our Daily Robot Briefing Lunchtime could takeplace over even great distances! I can promise that I would even alter my eating schedule to match lunchtime in whatever timezone you were in, so that we could both be eating lunch at the same time. This, Mr. President-Elect, is the dedication I would bring to this position.

Also, I would like to be Ghost Czar. As you know, every day millions of Americans are terrified by ghosts. Previous administrations have chosen to ignore the problem of scary ghosts, but I am hoping that your administration--one that ran on the promise of hope and change--will guard America against the plague of robot shortages and hauntings.

The choice is yours, Mr. Obama.

Sincerely,
Evan Dashevsky

The REAL Illeagle Immigrant problem:

2008-01-07T14:57:00.000-05:00

Many have cased this presidential election as a referendum on our nation's view towards the immigrant swell knocking at the doors of the country. This is, of course, a media rouse born in the depths of the AM talk radio static-sphere and written on the backs of hard-working neighbors from south. This is a nonsense argument built from the mortar ignorance and the pestel of fear. We are all members of the same human family. And, like the waves of human immigrants who have come before them, our fellow mankind will write their chapters in the story of America.

But there is a problem facing the nation and it does come from south of the border, and—not that you will see it in the opinion pages or cable televised rants —it has the capacity to take this nation down in a stealthy silence. The problem I speak of is, of course, Puerto Rican medical research super-monkeys run amok. Medical research super monkeys are on the loose, and have caused this, small US state-lite to be the latest victim in what will surely be a long line of Kong-like massacres in the coming super-monkey wars.
The world has sat idely by—and the monkey-infiltrated news media has remained suspiciously silent—as the tropical beacon of prosperity of Puerto Rico has been transformed into an impoverished wasteland. What was once a Caribbean paradise is now a battlefield, where marauding gangs of escaped "Patas" monkeys have destroyed millions of dollars in crops and turned the once proud human population of Lajas into—what I can only imagine are—captives in their own all-to-real Planet of the Apes nightmare world.

And what is Puerto "not really a state" Rico's plan for the deadly simian menace? Export the monkeys to the actual state of Florida. According to the Orlando Sentinel:

About 30 patas monkeys have been shipped to the Florida International Teaching Zoo in Sumter County as part of a larger strategy to capture, neuter, track and export packs of monkeys that have invaded the island from a defunct research facility.

Like all inherently good places, Puerto Rico has no naturally-occurring monkey population. The Patas were brought to a government-sponsored research facility on a small Island 70 miles off the coast of Lajas. After the research facility—which was likely looking into the possibility of creating hyper-intelligent Puerto Rican monkey soldiers—was abandoned in the late '70s, the Pacas managed to cross the ocean onto the mainland where they have been—what can only be described as—staging an insurrection for control of the island, one of America's main sources for coffee and sugar cane.

In a plot twist foreshadowed in the political allegory 28 Days Later (where the zombies represented monkeys), a group of Floridian monkey-hugging do-gooders want to capture and bring some of the Pacas to the joyfully monkey-less nation of America. Why? They claim for distribution to zoos nationwide for fear that, in the future, Pacas might become extinct due to poaching in Africa. Africa, a continent known for its bountiful bio-diversity is also—it should be noted—known to be home to several monkey species, as well as renowned for its human strife and suffering.

In the midsts of this important presidential election, not one presidential candidate of either party has come forward with a platform to deal with Puerto Rican medical research super-monkeys. Furthermore, this plan to import these hairbacks to do the work that American zoo monkeys refuse to do (and the accompanying media blackout) comes on the heels of one of the most audacious escalations in monkey-human relations in several decades.

Watch your back, people.

To the left: An average Puerto Rican Man searches the desolate urban landscape for deadly monkeys.

Foxnews.com and friends: Porn for people too shy to look at porn

2007-11-08T22:45:00.000-05:00

Oil prices rising to near $100 a barrel with no end in sight, Pakistan suspends its constitution, and the continued diminishment of the US dollar is creating new economic realities this nation has not faced in generations.

These are some of the "big news stories" as the evening of Thursday, November 8th draws to a close.

Snore!

Interesting stories? Perhaps. Maybe they can pass as material for fodder for some. But truly—and I think I speak for all people who get their news on-line on this one—one question always come to mind when looking for news on the virtual interfaces of the major information outlets: how is this news relevant to the use and enjoyment of my genitals?

While some may genuinely search "news sites" for the day's weather, stock quotes, the score of yesterday's game, or the latest blood-soaked woes of human conflict in far away land, most of us with properly functioning pud-pokers gladly troll news and information sites for our fix of thinly-veiled soft core porn with which to stimulate our various joy buttons en route to rapturous orgasm.

Coming home after a hard days work, who doesn't like to relax, take a seat, and search through the collective record of human knowledge for detailed updates on the sad state of our teenaged female population and their debaucherous sex adventures? Debauchery which sometimes shamelessly (wink!) even ends up with said dirty, dirty, naughty behavior being caught on tape or the occasional cellphone video. We want to read and nod our heads in agreement with sternly-worded essay decrying the latest starlet's underwear deficiency, complete with descriptions of their most personal of grooming habits and, when available, links to pixelated lady meat (which we all know—if you stare long enough—you can totally tell what's going on down there).

Of course, we could simply sift through the vast libraries of free web pornography for content to properly stimulate our fuzzy flesh ports.

But then we'd be perverts.

Perhaps like that 19-year-old who had forbidden jailbait sex with a 14-year-old he met on MySpace. Some of you may be saying "That's not a news item you should masturbate to! Pedophiles targeting kids on-line is a big problem, you insensitive jerk!" And, I resolutely agree! But in this case they were only five years apart—we wouldn't think anything of that 50 years ago. Now, if he's was 21, that might be disturbing. But they're both teenagers for Christ's sake! That's just hot! Disagree? Well, I, for one, am mature enough that I can appreciate the dissenting opinions of others. Perhaps, in order to come to some sort of resolution on this matter, we should have a respectful and lengthy discussion about the ways and means of modern teenage sexual practices, which should absolutely include doing research on legitimate news stories featuring detailed descriptions of "chicken parties" where teenage girls make-out with each other to please boys.

Web democracy in so god damn hot!

Of course, most decision makers of these news organizations still feel the need to give the public something more than merely the sexy sexy coverage of world events we desire. This is the news after all—it's not just there to stimulate our meat popsicles to the point of coughing up warm love jam. So, they still insist on filling our computer screens with stories on natural "disasters" and profiles of some guy named Benazir Bhutto. I ask you, what the fuck is hot about that?!? Nothing I've been able to find! And believe me, in desperation during slow news cycles, I've beat my self purple trying to make it happen.

Now if you take a short trip over to Foxnews.com's "most viewed" section, we are given a true, market-driven democratic glimpse of what properly self-actualized, and orgasm-minded Fox News surfers were reading on a Thursday night in the midst of a presidential election, two foreign wars, and a looming financial catastrophe:

The Pulitzer-bound (at least in my Average Joe, non-elitist mind) "Drunk and Out of Control on Facebook"* even features a pictorial montage of drunk girls in various states of undress. This was important to include because it illustrates what passed-out young girls in various states of undress looks like, and the sordid depths this despicable sex-crazed culture will sink. ;)

*[Interestingly, this story actually links to a story on Jezebel making fun of the London Daily Mail for running this story, complete with illustrations, the previous day. Yeah—Foxnews.com linked Jezebel.]

As a point of comparison, here are Thursday evening's most popular stories on the BBC.com, which, as it turns out, is apparently mostly read by nerdly eunuchs:

Thank you Jesus for this delicious and sexy information age!

Starbucks penis

2007-11-04T20:52:00.000-05:00

from the Bowels of CNN:

'Coffee condoms' appeal to java-crazy Ethiopians

A U.S.-based charity is hoping to fight the spread of AIDS with a unique product that appeals to coffee mania in the country that claims to have invented the drink: java-scented condoms for Ethiopia.

Ethiopians have complained about the latex smell of conventional condoms. According to one expert on Ethiopian sex, the new condoms will help stop the spread of STDs in east African nation because "everybody likes the flavor of coffee."

above, an Ethiopian man and woman
enjoy his coffee-flavored boner

Iranian President performs felicitatio on Austrian counterpart, American press mum on subject

2007-10-25T21:34:00.001-04:00

Yup, you probably didn't read this while perusing major news sites, but the Iranian News Organization is reporting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad "felicitate[d] his Austrian counterpart to mark their National day."

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad cabled a message on Thursday to his Austrian counterpart Heinz Fischer to congratulate him, the Austrian government and nation on the country's Nation Day. [sic]

But, according to late developments in the story, the cross-continental felicitating didn't stop there:

In another development, Iran's First Vice President Parviz Davoudi sent a message to Austrian Chancellor Alfred Gusenbauer to congratulate him, the Austrian government and nation on the country's National Day.

In the mean time, the famously anti-felicitating Austrian press declined to even cover the day's felicitating. Instead they opted to push decidedly felicitating-free stories on grown men picking fights with kindergartners and penis removal.

But that's Austria. We might expect this sort of anti-felicitation bend from those pointy-bearded solipsists, right? But sadly, the fact of the matter is, when it comes to the vast array of felicitating going on around the world, many media operations turn a blind eye.

Some (mostly angry unwashed liberal arts types) may put forth the notion that "felicitating-based news is the grist of a controlled press" and "designed to give benevolent views of despotic powers." But I would ask these cynics: are you so disgusted with your own lives that you truly desire a press enslaved to combating with those in charge, or do you want a press corps that is free to report on the time-honored practice of felicitation? Well, you dirty hippies, what is it?

Now, if you're like me and you want to find stories about Heads of State hopping on for a ride on the Good Ship Felicitate, you already know where to get your fix. The less-is-more craigslistesque-design of the official site for the Republic of North Korea is a gold mine of felicitation happenings. Here you will find a library of paragraph-length vignettes about countries and organizations sending greetings and well-wishings to the "Great Leader" via various forms and mediums. Just recently, prime digital real estate was set aside for such felicitating-friendly fare as the receiving of an Icelandish diplomat and even the presentation of an undetermined gift from the Vietnamese Confederation of Labor to Kim Jong Il. Fan-tastic!

While most of the elitist felicitating-haters of the global media were covering state-wide protests and eventual military crackdown happening throughout in the country of Myanmar, the military junta's official site still found time to cover, you guessed it, felicitation! In this case, the President of Kazakhstan literally sent "a message of felicitations!" Now that's what the fuck I'm talking about!

While many here bemoan the mainstream media's abysmal lack of American feliciation-related happenings, I still keep hope alive that our apparent media malevolence towards felicitation is finally starting to dissipate.

I speak to this felicitation-gap, not for some fetish regarding the good will amongst military overlords and despotic bureaucrats of the third and second worlds, but out of hope for this little planet of ours. For if the leaders amongst us can make nice with each other through the art of felicitation. Then just maybe, there's hope for the rest of us.

Your family is next

2007-10-22T11:02:00.000-04:00

The monkey revolution escalates with assassination of Deputy Mayor!

As reported by The Scotsman:

Deputy mayor killed in fall after wild monkey attack

The deputy mayor of New Delhi, India's capital, has died after being attacked by a pack of wild monkeys at his home.

Deputy Mayor S.S. Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys. He was rushed to hospital, but died yesterday.

The Monkey revolution is real, and it is happening.

And monkey-insurrection ground zero is the Indian capital. Over the years, New Delhians have tried several mostly-fruitless tactics to deal with the growing army of monkey insurgents, including "feed[ing] them bananas and peanuts." While this particular avenue would seem to most outsiders to only stroke the flames of the Monkey-People's Revolution, as it turns out monkeys are believed by devout Hindus to be manifestations of the monkey-god Hanuman. And apparently gods need to be fed. The monkeys may also not be killed or sterilized in accordance with Hindu tradition, which also worships elephant-headed patron saints of intellect and rigorous social stratas. While it is permissible to capture the monkeys and then transport them to a special preserve outside of city limits, as it turns out, it's really hard to catch a monkey.

Most municipalities around the world deal with pest infestation of one form or another. Many American urban centers utilize different combinations of adoption, sterilization, and humane extermination, which—in the least—has never led to a cell of rogue tabby terrorists staging a coup in a major American metropolis.

Yet.

Interestingly enough, while Indian religious institutions may prohibit the killing of the monkeys, it does allow for monkey-on-monkey violence:

Over the years, city authorities have employed monkey catchers who use langurs—a larger monkey—to scare or catch the macaques.

Good thing America never lets religious superstitions interfere with practical and common sense policy.

In closing, here is an artist's rendition of the Deputy Mayor's harrowing ordeal. I include this graphic scene, not to shock, or pander with sensation, but only so we can start to comprehend what is in store for us if we don't act immediately against this fuzzy menace. I've included a few spaces below, so you can avoid this unpleasantness if you wish, but I suggest all my fellow homo-sapiens who care about the future of our species to scroll down and take a good look at what terrrors you may soon face in your home town:

(GRAPHIC DEPICTION AHEAD **NSFW**)...

God protect all human kind.

Another sad chapter in the Colombia of the midwest

2007-10-19T16:00:00.000-04:00

Well, the hop-head front of the North Dakotan farming population is at it again.

CNN reports that the merry pranksters of the northern border state, which lies conspicuously close to Canada, are pursuing the legalization of hemp. While the state legislature, governor, local media, and will of the people say they want the right to grow hemp for the economic benefit the rest of the world and the U.S. pre-1947, enjoy, may I propose a slightly more cynical analysis of the situation: that this is merely another excuse for these self-annointed "salt of the earth" N.D.s to find new ways to "groove-out" and maybe grease-up the road to scoring some poon at their Joe Francis-esque 4-H Club Caligula fests.

While the widely-utilized hemp is a cousin to the infamous devil-cabbage, and does not contain any THC, we should be wary that this is merely another example of the oft-noted North Dakotan lust for debauchery masquerading behind legislation.

North Dakota has long been the libertine shame of the nation. For example, if you google "North Dakota, sex party," you don't come up with some sad outcast's tundric porn site, in fact, your very first choice is North Dakotan free love ground zero: the North Dakotan Democratic Party.

Try it for yourselves:

Here, state governor Joe Hoeven is featured from the shoulders up, likely because he is not wearing any pants:

Digital bullying and white people in politics

2007-10-17T22:22:00.000-04:00

Barack Obama and I are friends on MySpace. While I'm not on his Top 8, nor he, in mine. We both know the other is there.

I got a bulletin from my good Homie Internet friend the other day titled "Hillary's Money." I'm glad to see he's thankfully not sticking to all that staying "above the fray" nonsense he was talking about in the beginning. For those of you who don't share 'Bama and I's special NewsCorp-sanctioned bond, here's a little of what he sent out to his MySpace Friendsters:

Hillary Clinton aggressively seeks money from Washington lobbyists and special interest PACs. She's even said that these lobbyists represent real Americans.

She's wrong.

I think it's time to turn the page on that kind of politics, and that's why I have not accepted a dime from Washington lobbyists and special interest PACs in this race. We rely on a network of more than 350,000 ordinary people to make us competitive -- more supporters than all the other Democratic candidates combined.

Total bitch slap.

Now, Hillary, on the other hand, is not my friend on MySpace. She has, however, really impressed me in the debates, and come off knowledgeable and yes, presidential. But the reason—perhaps petty—that I choose not to virtually befriend nor support her for leader of the free world is because of her last name. Don't get me wrong, I loved me some Bill Clinton. Think what you will of him or his penis, but he was wonky and worldly and did a great job. But, still, I think political dynasties are relics of an undereducated electorate from old timey-times. Kinda like the handle bar mustaches of democracy—as a culture, we've moved on. Some people don't seem to care, but it all seems kinda South American to me. I truly do believe that in 2000, the Republicans got behind Bush, not to support for him as a candidate, as much as a way to embarrass Bill Clinton in the history books—to surround him with Bush on either side. Yup, you have quite a double entendre on your hands! Congratulations to you!

(You know, while writing this, I realized that Bill Jefferson Clinton's initials can be written as B.J. Clinton! Ha! Oral sex! Fantastic!)

But I may have to re-evaluate the ire of my anti-dynastism. Because as it turns out, Barack is a Dick... Cheney relative. The Guardian is reporting that Lynn Cheney took some time out from her busy schedule of having sex with Jon Stewart, and staging awkward televised tiffs to throw their spouses off, to research her family's roots to discover that Obama and Cheney are cousins.

For reals.

Lynne Cheney told an interviewer that she discovered the connection between her husband and the candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination while researching a memoir of growing up in Wyoming, entitled Blue Skies, No Fences, although she did not include this fact in her memoir. She said that the two were both descended from a man who moved to Wyoming from Maryland.

And here's the other weird part:

Last month the Chicago Sun-Times revealed the equally startling news that Mr Obama is an 11th cousin of President George Bush, thanks to a 17th-century Massachusetts couple, Samuel Hinckley and Sarah Soole.

I'm still kinda digesting it all. I like Obama, not because of his stance on the issues—most of which remain a mystery to me—but because, perhaps for the first time ever, I was actually moved by a speech given by a politician. He was the un-politician with worldly roots, which we need more than ever in this shrinking globe.

Now I find out he's just another white guy.

Yeah.

So, on the topic of white people, there seems like there's a good chance a white person might win the presidency this time. But with Fred Thompson crapping out, Giuliani going all bonkers on foreign affairs, Hillary being a Clinton, there still is a hope for me finding a white person I can back. And that cracker just may be... Governor Mike Huckabee. I think this nation needs to have a President Huckabee. I don't think I agree with him on anything, nor do I think he would do even a halfway competent job. But how awesome would it be to turn on CNN and have the news caster look into the camera and say "President Huckabee is at it again" and, like, talk about all of Huckabee's crazy misadventures with the visiting President of Belgium. I just want to pinch that dude's cheeks!

Huckabee!

The Arkansas Governor pictured here signing a painting of a bird, apparently.

T.I. keeps it real dumb.

2007-10-15T00:34:00.000-04:00

Rapper T.I.—who I always want to be more talented than he is—is arrested on gun charges. I love his song "What you know about that?"--it was my MySpace song for quite a while. I really wanted it to be a big, political statement that would match the awesomeness of the beats, but the lyrics, like most southern rap (Outkast, Dead Prez, and a few others aside), always find a way to bore the fuck out of me. Mr. I. faces many years in prison, where he will be treated like a God—or get shanked. But but on the bright side, still manages to win two BET Hip-Hop Awards.

The entertainer, whose real name is Clifford Harris, was arrested in a federal sting Saturday after his bodyguard-turned-informant delivered three machine guns and two silencers to the hip-hop star, according to a Justice Department statement.

Authorities said that Harris, 27, provided the bodyguard $12,000 to buy the weapons, which Harris is not allowed to own because he is a convicted felon. Court documents said Harris was convicted on felony drug charges in 1998, and a federal affidavit said he has been arrested on gun charges in the past.

...
The show went on without the self-proclaimed "King of the South," whose car and College Park, Georgia, home were searched following his arrest.
Authorities said they found three more firearms in the car in which Harris drove to pick up the machine guns and silencers, "including one loaded gun tucked between the driver's seat where Harris had been sitting and the center console."
At his home, authorities found six other guns, five of them loaded, in his bedroom closet.

Reportedly, he will face trial tomorrow. My guess of his defense: "They were props for a video shoot."

Really, it's all just a sad situation. I think "B. Herndon," a commenter on the pop-culture journal of thought www.ballerstatus.com, summed it up best:

Man free my nigga man... Dat Punk Ass Security Guard Needa Get Got.... Ya Digg.... T.I= man u the dumbest nigga ALIVE but man u already no when u get Out.. BIG Bottles To The Head iight folk A.TOWN STAND UP

This big bottle to the head is for you, T.I.

I'm modern socialist man and so can you.

2007-10-10T22:53:00.000-04:00

Deep down from the bowels of cnn.com:

The president has a long list of other "New Man" recommendations: Don't douse foods with too much hot sauce, exercise regularly, eat low-cholesterol foods, respect speed limits.

According to this story, the somewhere-between-awesome-and-scary Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is pushing for his country to pursue moral-correctness in the mode of Modern Socialist Man.

Top on the to-do list: new taxes on alcohol and tobacco as well as on luxury items such as Hummers and artwork. H.C. has gone on to decry his fellow countrymen's vices of the drink, the smoke, the fatty foods, materialism, speeding, use of hot sauce, as well as his nation's apparent fondness for breast enhancement and doctored "'J Lo' buttocks" for teenage girls:

Okay, of all these societal ills, I must admit I don't exactly understand the hot sauce thing. But I will say this: after seeing the positive effects resulting from the numerous smoking bans; taxes; and most importantly, regulations on advertising, have had on the tobacco habits of this country, I yearn for the day when the far more-destructive vice of alcohol faces the same scrutiny.

I guess I am just a modern socialist man living in the anarchist collective called America, but this country will be a better place when local governments levy taxes and implement regulations (though not bans) on alcohol. The Federal government should then utilize its interstate-commerce regulation powers to implement alcoholic ad bans on national media. Perhaps then our young men might not feel that sitting lounging on a couch, growing large with both fat and flatulence, in expectations of non-existent beautiful women to attend to them, is the best choice of one's time. At the same time, a regulated, no-ad policy should also be implemented for marijuana and any other drug that can't readily kill you.

Of course, if you agree with brownish tropical antichrist Hugo Chavez—on anything—then that must mean you too are a fascist godless pinko.

But then, I, like Chavez, also think breast and/or buttocks augmentation surgeries for 15-year-olds are a "horrible thing."

Maybe I should re-evaluate my love for spicy food.

Iggy Poop Bag?... (sorry)

2007-10-09T01:04:00.000-04:00

After watching an episode of the awful Henry Rollins Show, I caught a performance by seminal proto-rock and/or roll band, The Stooges.

Surely, The Stooges and their skeletal dynamo of a lead singer, Iggy Pop, have made several great albums and have influenced everyone from The Dead Kennedys to the Chili Peppers, and their effect--all these years later--can still be seen even in the sea of well-meaning, but under-inspiring garage bands of today.

But the band is getting on in years. Iggy is friggin 60 this year. And like most 60-year-olds, the body starts to break-down. And, here, the usually frantic performer--whose reportedly large member still makes a male-camel-toe cameo--looks like he just has a bad back or something. He barely moves his back from a slightly bent fashion and seems like he might be backing something in the side of his sweat pants. Hate to point it out, but could it be Iggy Pop, inventor of the stage dive, has a... Colostomy Bag? Take a look and decide what you think.

Iggy and his penis in better times.

Crazy or Sad? I report, You decide

2007-09-06T12:44:00.000-04:00

Any news nerds remember Jeff Gannon?

For those who don't—he's a former White House correspondent from around 2003–05 for a new and not completely real news agency who gained a reputation among other correspondents for gently tossing softballs full of shill to George W during press conferences.

As people started looking into this new bald-domed man in the press corps, a few interesting facts about Jeff Gannon started to surface. One such fact being his real name was James Guckert. Jeff/James claims that the White House Secret Service was aware of his name alteration, and did not see it as a threat to presidential safety as lots of media types alter their family names for the sake of their professional careers. Barbara Walters, for example, would never have made it to national TV if she still went by Nosferatu Bunnyslayer.

It also came to light that the Jeff/James was gay. And that's fine too—there are lots of bald homos in the world (they keep the fancy hat industry afloat). But really, the more confusing point is why would J.J.'s still choose to run with the right-wing lockstep on social issues as he does. It seems something akin to a black guy from the south questioning the wisdom of The Voting Rights Act because of its possibility of shifting the balance of federal and state powers—thus placing his personal interests at bay during a critical historical juncture for the sake of the status quo. There weren't too many folks like that.

It's one thing to be gay and want limited government and a strong military, it's another to think that your lifestyle—one that you apparently feel at peace with—does, in fact, have the power to bring western civilization to an end.

But beyond the questionable credentials, the name changes, and the conflicting lifestyles, what got James finally booted from the White House press room was the sensational public uproar around the fact that he was a gay prostitute who sold his services on sites such as Hotmilitarystud.com (if any of you entrepreneurs out there were wondering, it's currently listed as being "reserved for sale").

It was kind of sad that someone who was not out of the closet was forced out in such a public and sudden fashion. Nowadays, Jeff/James, with more time than he may want on his hands, self-publishes books, and runs a political blog (which allows no commenting). The weird thing is, J.J. has (on his political, non-gay-escort site) gone on several anti-gay rants , including his latest exercise in surrealness: "Mike Rogers: Violent Femme: Conducts Homosexual Jihad Against Republicans; Refuses To Condemn Gay Toilet Culture" (with Mike Rogers being the gay blogger who publicizes the long and sorted history of closeted, but anti- gay republicans, including stories on Larry Craig long before his bathroom adventures became public).

The rant includes such gems as:

Rogers and his ilk are the epitome of hypocrisy. Christians love the sinner and hate the sin; the ungodly liberals of the Democratic Party love the sin and hate the sinner. Larry Craig did not invent the toilet culture for which he has been accused. Gays did. Not only did gays invent anonymous rendezvous – the practice is a significant part of the homosexual subculture.

Not being gay, I'm not sure exactly how "significant" these aspects of gay culture are (and are they of any kind of significance in gay female culture?). But being someone with access to a dictionary that has the word "hypocrisy" included in it, I can honestly say that, within the confides of the whole Craig saga, "the practice of professing beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess" is not on the side of ungoldy liberals.

J.J. has apparently officially (though perhaps not voluntarily) come out of the closet and is even a columnist for the loud and proud Washington Blade. This leads us to the conclusion that J.J. is a gay man who doesn't let that aspect of his life define him. Fine. But at the same time can he really see no problem attaching his name to such keepers as:

Gay activists making a federal case out of Larry Craig’s alleged misconduct are making a big mistake. Do they really want mainstream America to know about the pervasive and perverted toilet culture gays espouse, promote, enable, encourage, facilitate and celebrate? Do they want the public to know how many bathrooms in the U.S. Capitol and the congressional office buildings are listed in gay guides as places for men to have sex with each other?

None of the gays activists bleating about Larry Craig say that what he did was wrong – only that he was a Republican. That’s hypocrisy!

I don't know, it seems to me—and probably most people—hypocricy would be working to demonize and regulate lifestyle through the law of the land, while participating in the forbidden fruits you so wish to squash. I don't know, that just seems like that might be the bigger problem for gays, and the rest of us to worry about.

Learning to Write with O: The Bill O’Blues.

2007-09-05T18:53:00.000-04:00

Bill O’Reilly continues his war on whipper-snappers and good writing in the latest installment of his weekly column Why I Fear Things that are Unfamiliar from my Childhood in a piece entitled “High School Musical Blues” [full text provided below for reference].

“High School Musical Blues” is another installation in his award-winning series of “blues” pieces, including such slices of opinion journalism as:

“The Convention Blues” from August, 2004
“San Francisco Blues” from November, 2005
“The Left-Wing Blues” from January, 2006
In his piece “Al and the Oscar” from this past January, Bill suggests various ideas for documentaries that Hollywood (arty-types, Jews, etc.) should be making because Bill—despite his popularity, access to production facilities, and the distribution/PR power of News Corp.—is apparently too lazy to produce himself. One of which was “The Kyoto Blues,” which O sells as “[a]n honest look at the Kyoto Protocol which, in order to blunt pollution, would require major economic changes in the USA, but would allow massive pollution to continue in China and India. Is Al Gore available to narrate?” Astounding!

But back to the High School Musical Blues—O’s in-depth analysis of how saccharine, teeny-bopper fare goes unlauded by pinko rags like Entertainment Weekly (whereas more patriotic journals of fair opinion manage to present a more leveled coverage of HSM2).

Let’s just go over the lead:

There is no doubt that some entertainment critics have glorified rap "artists" like Eminem, Snoop Dogg, and Ludacris. Twenty years ago, pro-drug, anti-woman, and pro-violence lyrics would not have been embraced by the mainstream media for fear of public backlash. But today, bring on perversity in the name of diversity. Anything goes.

We’ll assume the word “artists” is placed in “quotes” because “O” does not think these “musicians” should be “grouped” in the same category as all those time-honored, pro-establishment popular artists. Like Elvis. As it turns out, O has a big boner for Elvis, which he relates in a 2002 piece called “Long live the King” (see, because Elvis’ nickname was “The King”--get it?). Like many old people inching closer to the grave, and remembering things that weren't, O seems to forget that while Elvis was “non-threatening and totally acceptable to young people in the 1950s,” he was anything but acceptable to many of those young people’s parents.

Via PBS (emphasis added):

Presley has already appeared six times on national television, but it is his appearance on The Milton Berle Show on June 5, 1956, that triggers the first controversy of his career. Presley sings his latest single, "Hound Dog," with all the pelvis-shaking intensity his fans scream for. Television critics across the country slam the performance for its "appalling lack of musicality," for its "vulgarity" and "animalism." The Catholic Church takes up the criticism in its weekly organ in a piece headlined "Beware Elvis Presley." Concerns about juvenile delinquency and the changing moral values of the young find a new target in the popular singer.…

While a young Bill might have been titillated by a handsome young southern man gyrating his bountiful and jean-clad pelvis on national TV, surely many older folks in O’s community weren’t reacting with the same enthusiasm. Much like today’s youth are pumped up by Eminem’s murder-spree fantasies and Snoop’s pot-soaked misogyny, today’s younger generation does not see Em, Snoop, or Luda as “threatening” or “[un]acceptable,” while many of their parents certainly do. And that’s kinda the appeal. I will not defend wanton violence and anti-girl themes of today’s music (yes, I am against both murder and rape—you can quote me on that). I also do understand the use (if not the need) for anti-social fantasy. The same way I am against putting sexual thoughts and flesh-bound innuendo at the forefront of your existence—the kind of mentality enthroned in much of “The King”’s early royal work. Would the O of today feel the same as the Elvis of yore?

Moreover, these types of cultural dischords have been going on for a long time. O is only the latest to play up neophobic fears to make the argument that we are in the throws of a “culture war." the likes of which mankind has never seen before. The term “war” is frighteningly misused in this context. In a war, there are no rules. The only objective in a war is to win, by any means necessary. The Civil War was a culture war. What O and friends are talking about is a cultural discussion that has been going on in every society that has had a middle class since the beginning of time.

Further curiosity is O’s nostalgia for the pop sensibilities of “20 years ago.” Do you remember 1987? A simpler year. A better, more innocent time when a wise-cracking Alex P. Keaton had all of America in stitches and AIDS was the new Polio. And, according to Dr. O, Professor of Popular Culture Studies, there were no “pro-drug, anti-woman, and pro-violence lyrics … embraced by the mainstream media for fear of public backlash.” Before 1987, these themes, of course, were never explored by the mainstream media. Except for that whole multi-platinum Hair Metal scene (not to forget the controversies of early-’80s actual metal scene). I think the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimi Henderix—basically the whole musical landscape of the ’60s and ’70s—were known for talking about prohibited substances on occasion (Jefferson Starship made their way into 1978’s Lucas-banished and very mainstream Star Wars Holiday Special). Ice T and Slayer were waxing violent on subsidiaries of publicly-traded companies. Perhaps he meant 30 years ago?

Perhaps O’s strangest comment is the use of the phrase: “perversity in the name of diversity.” I’m not exactly sure what diversity has to do with High School Musical or naughty rap lyrics. Is he referring to racial diversity (which, I will go out on a limb and state: I am for racial diversity—O will have to answer for himself). I can suppose that he is referencing the tired defense that boring gangsta rap utilizes that diversity of the crowds counterbalances the values of the content. If this is the case, O should have made that more announced, otherwise people might think he’s simply referring to negros in music. But of course, it’s not just rap music, and certainly not just black folks, saying and doing controversial things. While “perversity” and “diversity” do rhyme (worthy of Snoop, if I do say so myself), their elected use seems like it might relate to something lesser in civil society. Sometimes, people should think what they're putting out into the media, ya know?

High School Musical Blues
By Bill O'Reilly for BillOReilly.com
Thursday, August 23, 2007

There is no doubt that some entertainment critics have glorified rap "artists" like Eminem, Snoop Dogg, and Ludacris. Twenty years ago, pro-drug, anti-woman, and pro-violence lyrics would not have been embraced by the mainstream media for fear of public backlash. But today, bring on perversity in the name of diversity. Anything goes.

The same thing can be said for these revolting torture movies. A number of critics believe they're just great—the more eye-gouging, the better. The director Eli Roth, whose sadistic films are beyond disturbing, is considered a genius in some quarters.

Thus, when wholesome movies like High School Musical and its sequel become big hits, there is cheering among many traditional Americans. But not among some critics.

Entertainment Weekly magazine said High School Musical 2 was "too simplistic." And writing in the Chicago Tribune, critic Maureen Ryan gently mocked the movie writing: "How strange and amazing that the most popular teen musical of our time features so little kissing. Honestly, High School Musical and its sequel make Grease look like Caligula."

So now I must break this to Ms. Ryan and Entertainment Weekly: These movies are not being viewed by high school kids—little children are watching them. "Simplistic" plays among 7-year-olds. Get a clue.

More than 17 million children and their parents watched the second installment of High School Musical, giving Disney an enormous money making machine. Even Caligula could figure this out: Many American parents are desperate for clean-cut entertainment for their kids. Kissing isn't an issue for most elementary school urchins; they just like singing and dancing minus the obscenities.

But that concept is unsettling among some liberal entertainment people. Richard Roeper, the film critic for the liberal Chicago Sun-Times, put out a column entitled "Disney Hit is No Victory for Right-Wing."

In said column, Mr. Roeper says that he doesn't believe critics would hammer High School Musical simply because it is wholesome. Roeper goes on to say that conservatives might distance themselves from the movie because it embraces "liberal" (his word) values like tolerance and interracial dating.

That's right, Richard, all those mean conservatives would never like anything tolerant, would they?

Here's what I believe, based upon more than thirty years of working in the media: Many critics are jaded and cynical. Most are extremely liberal. If the property is "edgy," anti-American, or over-the-top offensive, they will like it. If the writers of High School Musical had turned the dancing kids into flesh-eating zombies, the critics would have been wowed.

The sad truth is that if an entertainment project espouses traditional values, applauds the USA, or embraces religion, a good number of American critics will hoot at it, and demean those who find it worthy, sometimes even citing Caligula.

So here's my review of High School Musical. It makes little kids happy without encouraging stuff parents don't approve of, therefore it's a good show.

With apologies to decadent Roman emperors, that's the veritas.